So here's a question I never dreamed there would be an answer to: What do Burt Reynolds (Mr. Smoky and the Bandit himself), Jason Statham (the balding, middle-age epitome of the type-cast actor), Ron Perlman (does he need any explanation?), Ray Liotta (usually a very solid actor), John Rhys-Davies (Gimli and Saleh from the Indianna Jones trilogy, I don't count the most recent offering as part of the series), Matthew Lillard (Without a Paddle) and Leelee Sobieski (Joan of Arc and a nubile teen co-ed in The Glass House) all have in common? The dubious honor of playing in another tripe ridden offering from German director Uwe Boll (the brains behind such classics as House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne and Bloodrayne II: Deliverance).
Had I realized who produced/directed this gem I wouldn't have wasted my time. But waste it I did and after fifteen minutes I wanted to burn my eyes out. As cliché as it is, it was a trainwreck and I couldn't stop watching (or taking notes on all the ridiculousness that made up the two-hour long nails-on-a-chalkboard).
First off, the music. Um....well. I don't know if it really qualifies as music. The discordant notes laboriously squeaked out by a string section that seemed to be composed of a group of arthritic monkeys. There were numerous attempts at creating a rousing feeling or a somber one for the more tender moments but these fell appallingly flat.
One of the afore-mentioned tender moments comes when Jason Statham unsurprisingly discovers he is indeed the king's (Burt Reynold, of course) son. The king is lying on his bed supposedly dying from an arrow shot by Matthew Lillard's character but the wound to his chest in the area of his lungs and heart does nothing to hinder his speech in any way. Burt explains how great the responsibility the kingship brings and then initiates this confusingly contradictory exchange with Jason:
Burt- "As long as there are kings; as long as there are lands they will fight over it."
Jason- "Battles fought for power and lands. None of these wars have any end."
Burt- "We fought for peace. Peace is a dream. A dream that maybe you as king, you will bring peace forever."
Did I miss something here? Did not the wise old king just say that as long as kings are around there will be war? Not the best last words I've ever heard in a movie. But that is not the only flaw in the dialogue. Here is another Shakespearean line delivered by the king's general to Jason's character: "I would be proud to have you fight by my side so I may keep an eye on you." What does that even mean?
The editor should be shot for being drunk when he pieced this movie together. The cut scenes were terrible. One instant a bad guy and his horse are riddled with arrows, the next they are tearing through the king's army without an arrow in sight, then back to being riddled with arrows. Jason takes an enemy cavalryman down, along with his horse, then is immediate set upon while he is still on the ground by another cavalryman but the first horse and rider are no longer in the frame.
Who cast the Cirque du Soliel rejects to play the forest maidens swinging by their legs in vines (jungle vines in a pine forest? Really?) and flinging vines like Spider-man flings webs at the enemy. Lame. The same self-proclaimed protectors of the forest boast that no one enters the forest without their knowing but somehow Ray Liotta (the bad guy) gets a huge dude in a rubber costume and black armor riding a black stallion right to the edge of Burt and Jason's camp and out again without anyone noticing.
This movie's lameness can be summed up in the line Burt utters to Jason and helps Jason realize he is his son "Wisdom is our hammer. Prudence will be our nail. When men build lives from honest toil..." then Jason finishes with "courage never fails."
Can a movie get a negative star? If so, this one deserves five of them.
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